Waves

I am dealing with so many emotions, and shuffling them around this body of mine. They move from my heart to my stomach, to my head, to the balls of my feet, and finally take residence in my blank stare. I am here. I am here. I am still a me, aren’t I? Depression in motherhood looks like women rushing from place to place and never taking up any space. Depression in motherhood is a shrinking woman and a well oiled machine. Most women believe that they can run it on empty. Even more than that actually do.

I am a woman. An Asahi. A woman who loves life, right? I am an Asahi who sometimes writes and needs to be held by her lover and checked on by her friends and nurtured by her mother. I am silly and fly and I love music and all of the things, right?

Today I made space for myself in a blender. I put beets, ginger, spinach, and oranges and spun a love song to myself. The notes played on my tongue as my babies played on the floor in front of me.

I’ve been moving so slowly, feeling so empty and heavy as if I could implode any second. Fall all the way into this shell of a self with this heart that beats only for them. Some days love is showing up and meeting the obligation. On days like this, the passion is not there.

Words have been eluding me. Words that usually tap dance across my brain funky, like a young Gregory Hines, soulful too…they’ve been skipping away from me.

And when they come, I haven’t the time to catch the rhythm and jump in.

I’m loving myself right now. Sitting here, thumbs moving across this keyboard, eyes darting between my phone and the babies. I am here for them, and here for me. Maybe I will make time to cry tonight.

#motherhood